


Death Follows Us

by AlyOopsie



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Does this make up for my last fic in any way, I actually wrote this to try to cope with stuff irl, I can't think of any other tags I could put about this story, I'm Sorry, If you can think of any let me know!, If you see any mistakes let me know and I'll fix them, It has a sort of happy ending though, Just a story of a boy who's hero dies and he tries to cope with it, Lance is going through a tough time, Langst, Not Beta Read, Shiro and Keith are brothers, Shiro death, Shiro is Lance's hero, Some parts are loosely based on Bo Burnham's "Are you happpy?" song, Sorry if this seems rushed, There aren't really any pairings, This isn't intended to be a Shance fic btw, but it turned into something completely different, death tw, depression tw, kind of ooc, lance looks up to shiro, suicidal thoughts tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-11
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2019-03-16 16:38:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13640160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlyOopsie/pseuds/AlyOopsie
Summary: Shiro was Lance's hero, the person he tried to model his life after. After Shiro dies on a mission, Lance blames himself, and has to figure out how to cope with the loss.





	Death Follows Us

**Author's Note:**

> I told someone I would write some Langst again soon, so here we are.

Lance McClain was 18 when he watched his hero die. He was 18 when he held Shiro, looking into his eyes as the man he idolized for _years_ as the life drained from them. He was 18 when he had to tell his team, 18 when he realized that death always followed them far too close for comfort.

Lance didn’t cry. He understood that Shiro was gone, but the tears just wouldn’t fall. Everyone else but him had cried, but Lance was just numb. He was numb as they contacted the Blades of Marmora. Numb as he looked Keith in the eye and told him his brother was dead. Numb as Keith broke down after seeing the body.

He couldn’t understand why he couldn’t feel anything. He didn’t feel anything when Allura announced they were going to Earth to bury Shiro. He didn’t feel any happiness at the thought of possibly seeing his family, and didn’t feel despair at the thought of seeing Shiro’s family. He didn’t feel dread at the thought of telling them that Takashi Shirogane was dead. He didn’t care that he had to tell them that Shiro had died in his arms, and he hadn’t been able to save their precious boy.

He had no issue with telling them he had died because Lance wasn’t watching his back. He was prepared for the hate that was sure to come from Shiro’s family, and was certain it wouldn’t affect him more that Shiro’s death already had.

They had been ambushed on a mission, and Lance noticed too late that Shiro had gone down in the mass of soldiers. He had tried desperately to destroy them all. In the end, he did, but at the cost of precious time that could have saved Shiro’s life. He was disgusted with himself for not being able to help, for not being able to kill the soldiers fast enough.  
_Keith would have been able to take them out faster than you did._

**_Shut up. I did my best._ **

_Your best isn’t good enough, and it will never be good enough._

**_I said, shut up._ **

_The only reason you haven’t been kicked off the team is because they don’t have a replacement for you._

His intruding thoughts had been getting worse. He had tried so many times to control them, but he couldn’t. He stared at himself in the mirror, clutching the edge of the sink in his bathroom. He had bags under his eyes, and he hasn’t been keeping up with his skincare regime.

_It should have been you instead of Shiro._

“Shut up,” he whispered, staring into his own eyes, as if the voice lived in them, swimming in the ocean that was his eye color.

_If you had died, they wouldn’t be half as sad as they are now._

“Please, stop it. Let me think in peace for once.

_You know it’s true. It would be so easy to just take your gun and shoot yourself. You know that, right? So easy, so simple. Why don’t you try it?_

“Please, no.”

_Why bother anymore? They won’t love you. You’re useless. Do it._

“I SAID STOP!”

The sound of shattering glass filled the room. Lance didn’t even realize his hand was moving until it collided with the mirror. He barely registered the pain, and instead focused on the blood seeping out of his fist.

He didn’t acknowledge Hunk bursting into the room, asking him what happened. He didn’t feel any regret as he watched Hunk panic over his bloody hand. He didn’t reply when asked again what had happen. He didn’t tell his best friend why he yelled at the voice to _leave him alone._

He just felt numb.

Hunk took him to the healing pods, because he was worried that he wouldn’t be able to bandage the wound properly. Lance wasn’t able to find his voice to tell Hunk that he was terrified of being in a healing pod again. Despite his fear, he stepped in without a fight, if only to soothe Hunk’s worries.

Just before the pod closed and Lance was put to sleep, he realized that the first emotion he felt since Shiro died was fear. He feared the pods. He feared not feeling any other emotions again. He feared the void that Shiro left behind, the void that would never be filled. His hero was gone, and wasn’t ever coming back.

Lance felt tears come to his eyes as they closed, and knew he would start sobbing the minute he woke up.

* * *

It had been two weeks since Lance got out of the pod. As he predicted, Lance had cried when he woke up. Coran was there, and he helped Lance to his room as Lance choked back his tears. They had cried together for a while, but Coran had to go check to make sure they were still on the correct course to Earth. Lance had stayed up all night crying, trying his best to block out the voices telling him to hurt himself.

They had already had the funeral, and Lance didn’t cry. He just didn’t have any tears left. He didn’t feel anything again, but was extremely aware of the void that seemed to grow. He felt alone, but told himself he was lucky to have spent as much time as he did with Shiro. He remembered how Shiro’s little sister had cried. 

He had told the family that their son died a hero, but now he was doubting his words.

Did he really die heroically? Was fighting for his life while his teammate was oblivious to his struggle for life heroic? Was his death justified? Of course not, but Lance couldn’t help but think that it wasn’t exactly heroic. He couldn’t help but think that it was the result of having a bad teammate, just like the voice told him.

Slowly, he began believing the voice on everything. It told him to skip breakfast, so he did. It told him not to sleep, so he didn’t sleep. It told him to cut himself. It told him to make a plan to kill himself. It said that everything will be better for his team once he’s gone.

He started to keep a journal detailing his internal conflicts. He wrote down what the voice told him to do, and his plan for suicide. He didn’t want to believe that his team that he adored would feel better if he died, but the voice kept repeating it over and over. He wanted the best for his team, and if he had to die for them to be happy, he would die.

* * *

The day that Hunk found his journal was the day that Lance realized that his team wouldn’t be happier if he died.

Hunk had cried, yelling at Lance for being so stupid. Hunk yelled at the voice that had haunted Lance ever since Shiro died, calling it a liar. All the shouting had attracted the others, and Hunk told them about the journal. He told them the basics about what was written in it.

Lance tried his best to explain, and the team tried their best to be supportive. They told him he mattered. They told him that the voice was wrong.

They tried to convince him, but it didn’t work. He acted like it did, acted like he was getting better. He put on a mask of healing when he was really just spiraling down into his own personal Hell.

The voice began telling him he was horrible for worrying his teammates. It scolded him for leaving the journal in a place the others could find it. It began to get more specific with telling Lance how to hurt or kill himself.

It was at this point that Lance realized the voice had morphed into that of his mother.

He began doing everything the voice said perfectly and without hesitation, because every time he did, his mother’s voice would tell him what a good job he did. It would call him a good son for doing as she said. However, every time his mother’s usually sweet and comforting voice grew hard and full of hatred as it told him to end it, he felt his heart break a little more, and the void grow.

* * *

They had been planning on a trip back to Earth to see their families as a celebration for Lance “getting better and better every day!”

Lance had acted like he was elated, and he hated himself for it. He hated people who acted all the time. He hated having to conceal that he wasn’t doing okay when he wanted to reach out to his team for help. He felt like he was drowning in an ocean, being tossed around in the waves as he desperately tried to keep his head above water.

He had become everything he hated, and had no hope of ever being happy again.

* * *

Once they were on Earth, Lance tried to figure out when he could have alone time to end it. He planned on jumping, because the inner torment of his mind made him too afraid to be within the actual waves. He was relieved to see his family was okay, but he couldn’t really understand why they were so happy to see him. His mistake cost the life of one of the greatest men he’s ever met, who would be happy to see _him?_

He never told his family about the voice, but he couldn’t look his mother in the eye as much as he used to. Every time he did, he was reminded of all the awful things it wanted him to do. It had told him to throw his baby cousin out the second story window, to throw a toaster into the bath he had drawn for his little brothers. It wanted him to kill his family, then himself.

It told him to jump off the roof of his family’s barn. It was certainly a big enough fall to kill him, so why was he so hesitant to do it? He was miserable being alive, and every day the void in his life that Shiro had left grew bigger. He felt so lost without his hero.

Shiro had been his role model since he was a small child. He dreamed of one day working with him, but it would figure that when he finally got to, he messed up. He messed up, and because of _him,_ entire galaxies would never get to see Shiro smile again. His team would never get to hear Shiro tell them they did a good job after a mission.

Shiro would never get to see his brother again. He would never get married, or have children of his own.

All because of Lance.

The voice of Lance’s mother kept insisting that Lance was worthless, even as he climbed to the roof of the barn.

It told him he didn’t matter as he heard someone shout for him to get down.

It told him his teammates were lying when they told him they loved him. It told him they only came to visit because they wanted to mock him. It told him that they secretly wanted him to jump.

It only hit home for him when he saw Pidge crying as she begged for him not to jump.

It felt like someone had slapped him. Pidge rarely cried in front of the team. He was the cause for her tears.

_Jump. It’ll make her feel better. I know best._

**_No, please. Let me go. I don’t want to hurt them._ **

_Do as I say. Be a good son, and do as your mother says._

“Lance! Please, come down. You don’t have to do this.”

Allura’s voice helped cut through the voice in his head. He felt like he had been thrown a life preserver. He didn’t have to do it? Why was he up here?

_She’s lying. Listen to me and jump already._

Lance didn’t bother answering. He simply turned around, walked to the ladder that lead back into the barn, and began climbing down. The voice screamed at him, but he did his best to block it out. He focused on all the things his team had told him since they found out about his journal. He was important. He was needed. They loved him. Shiro’s death wasn’t his fault.

He focused on going back to his teammates, and realized that everything they said had been true.

Even though Death follows us, we don’t have to give in to his wishes. We can fight. We may not be strong enough to do so by ourselves, but that’s why we have friends and family.

Even though Death haunted Lance, he found his strength in his team.

Slowly, Lance began to forgive himself, and the void started to shrink.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed.
> 
>  
> 
> [ hmu on Tumblr if you want to. ](https://writing-at-dawn-until-dark.tumblr.com/)


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